Friday, June 22, 2007

People Are Talking

For some reason, one guy called you Ana. He knew about you and me. He said we are getting old and still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence. What you think I might say if there was a me for you. I don't believe him when he posits that you don't want the world.

Another guy from Portland had the class to not brag about his hometown being named the cleanest in America, and followed that with not mentioning you by name. (I know, decorum again.) But he still nailed it. "Pages upon pages," he said, "trying to rid you from my bones."

I asked a girl from Canada. She seemed to have been given the details long ago. She wasn't afraid to call me a monster. She pointed out that Fate had a hand, but wouldn't lay blame. Somehow, without being precious she talked about the sense of holding on to something senseless. I asked her what the hell I'm supposed to do with that. She kept it to a knowing look and said: "You do what you have to do."

I'm tired of everyone knowing about us. Tired of the effort everyone makes to maintain the dignity they think I deserve. Tired of wondering what they say when we're not around. Tired of wondering, period.

Monday, June 18, 2007

As It Happens

It starts with wanting to be fair. Or not wanting to be disappointed. So you lower your expectations. You take people as they come. You accept.

Soon your expectations are abandoned. You give them up and stop wanting people to be this way or that. You stop expecting even the lowest common denominator. You tell yourself you are your own and call it enlightenment. You feel enlightened.

Then, slowly, you're overtaken by a vague feeling of loss. By the time you realize it you couldn't say what it is. You wouldn't even dare admit it, because enlightenment shouldn't change its name. But there it was.

There: the hope you used to have in people--for people. Laid aside. The hope that used to feed the love between you. Laid aside. Then they've laid you aside. Discarded and they make no bones about it.

So there's at least one expectation you can keep.